To introduce ourselves to you, we all thought it would be a good idea to share our stories of loss so you, who are dealing with the same loss, may find some comfort and hope through your grief. Our stories are all so different. I believe God is using each one for His purpose and plan to bring healing and encouragement. I pray for you, as you read, that God will speak to you and you will experience His healing and know how great the Father's love is for you.
I wasn't sure how I wanted to go about telling my story. I've put it off for as long as I could. It's definitely a hard thing to dive into. It's not one of those things you want to relive again. I haven't written about our loss since the weeks right after it happened. I remember hiding away in our bedroom for a few weeks and just pouring my heart and soul out on paper. I just felt like I didn't want to keep silent about the agonizing pain I was going through. I had to get it out somehow...the questions, the anger, the doubting...all of it. It's been months since I took that journal out and read through it...it's so amazing how it all resurfaces again..like it just happened yesterday. I can even feel it all again. I thought I'd start by sharing some of these journal entries with you...
~Sunday, March 11th, 2007
My Dearest Braydon,
Daddy and I have not even decided on a name for you yet. You are so special...I want to pick the perfect name. When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so excited. I showed Daddy the pregnancy test as he was working on his computer...he couldn't believe it! He was a little in shock, being that this was gossling #4! But he was so happy! From that moment I couldn't wait to meet you and hold you in my arms. We told all of our family by making calendars for Christmas gifts and placing a note in the month of August that read, "Reminder, Baby Goss #4 due!" You were due to arrive on August 18th, 2007. Our family was so excited to meet you. Grammy was tearful as she hugged me and Nanny said, "Praise the Lord!"
Everyone was thrilled and anxious for your arrival...but no one more than me. There is a connection, a bond between a mother and baby that cannot be described. You were a part of me...from the very day you were conceived you were a part of me. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. I love you with the deepest love.
I was so excited to find out if you were a boy or a girl, but I had to wait until my 20 week appointment to get an ultrasound. I was going to get the nursery all ready for you...paint it and decorate it accordingly. At my second baby checkup, you were almost 13 weeks old. The midwife was listening for your heartbeat and couldn't find it. She said you might have just been moving around and in a position where we couldn't hear your heartbeat. Or she said your due date could be off. Finally, the words I feared the most, she said you might not be alive. I was going to have to get an emergency ultrasound so they could find out if you were ok. As soon as the midwife left the room, I burst into tears. I was so scared. I called daddy and waited out in the car until my ultrasound. I didn't know what to feel or pray. I didn't want to be too hopeful...what if the worst happens? But I also wanted to believe that God was going to make everything turn out ok. I was filled with so many emotions. So, I just sat there and cried. I cried out to God and prayed I was worrying over nothing.
Daddy didn't get there in time for the ultrasound, so I had to brave the outcome on my own. I've never felt so sick. As I lay there I was so full of fear. I was just watching the screen, waiting to see the little flicker that indicated your heart beating. Then...I saw it. The technician said, "There's your baby's heartbeat." I said, "Thank you God!" She said it was 160 bpm...very normal. And your measurements lined up perfectly with your due date. I was so relieved and thankful that you were ok. I couldn't have been happier.
I wish I could say my next appointment turned out the same way. You were 17 weeks old. On the drive there, I kept having these awful feelings inside...like the feeling that I would never deliver you full term and get to meet you face to face. I quickly tried to chase these thoughts from my mind. Then a song came on. It was a song called "Blessed be Your Name" I paid close attention to the part that said, "You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name." The "take away" part really resonated with me. I wasn't sure why.
When I got to the doctor's, Isabella, your big sister, was with me and I told her she would get to hear your heartbeat for the first time. When the midwife came in she had me lay down to check the size of my belly and to hear your heartbeat. She said I was measuring just fine. Then she listened for your heartbeat...it took several minutes. It seemed like forever. She still couldn't find your heartbeat. I was a little scared, but not as much as the month before. I just figured maybe you were lying the wrong way again. So, I waited...again for another hour or so until my ultrasound. Daddy met me and we went back to the room together. As we entered, I wasn't sure what I felt. I laid down on the table and the technician quickly brought up your picture on the screen. I got very scared. I didn't see the little flicker that I had seen before. I waited a minute and asked the technician if she found your heartbeat and she said, "I'm sorry...no, I don't see it." I can't even tell you sweetheart what I felt because I was so numb at that moment and in complete shock. I never thought that would be the outcome. You were just alive and moving around 4 weeks ago! I saw your heart and your head and your arms and legs and your little hands moving with LIFE. What could have happened in those short weeks that made you stop breathing and living? What could I have done to save you my precious Braydon? It was out of my control. I would have given my life to save yours. Whatever I needed to do, I would have done. But I didn't know...I didn't know you slipped away so quickly. I miss you so, so, much. I know you never looked into my face, but I knew you. You were a part of me...my beautiful son. And when you died, a part of me died with you my love. I love you with all that is in me...with every breath. I love you. You will always be my child... When I held you at the hospital, I couldn't believe how perfectly you were formed. All of your little fingers and toes. Your arms and legs. I could see your ribs showing through your chest. Your eyes, nose, mouth and ears were still needing time to form...but they were all there. You were so soft and fragile. I didn't even touch your body because I was afraid. I wish now that I would have. I felt so sick sitting there holding you...just staring at you. I knew this wasn't a dream- it was real life and I was going to have to come to terms with that. But, I didn't want to take my eyes off of you. It was so hard to give you back to the nurse, but I knew you weren't even there. That you had gone to be with Jesus. That is the only comfort I find in this whole, awful loss of you. That your Creator is holding you now and you are finally whole and complete. Besides that, I am having a difficult time finding any comfort at all from anything or anyone. I feel like running and never stopping...like I want to run from all of this pain inside because I don't want to feel it anymore! It hurts too badly and I fear it will never go away until my time on Earth is through and I'm in Heaven with you and our Creator. I hate this. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I could cry forever and that still wouldn't lessen the pain of losing you. You are my little boy...my treasure...I wish you could have met your brother, Caleb and your sisters Isabella and Lilah. They were so excited to meet you. Isabella was looking forward to being my big helper and helping me take care of you when you arrived. Lilah is so into her baby dolls...she would have loved to play with you...a real baby doll! And I'm sad mostly for your brother Caleb because he really wanted to meet you. He asked Jesus for a brother to play with. He is so sweet...you would have had so much fun playing with Him. He is having a hard time(as well as Isabella) understanding what happened to you. He still asks how you are doing and I have to tell him that you died and went to be with Jesus. It's so hard explaining to them something I don't even understand myself. I hate not knowing why certain things happen...and why there has to be so much pain and loss in this life. How do I deal with this? How do I accept it? Right now, I don't want to. I miss you too much...
It's been 3 years since my husband Matt and I lost our precious son, Braydon. Sometimes it's hard to believe that much time has passed. I still think about him and hold him close in my heart. I still look through his album of pictures just to see him again. I still visit his grave and bring him flowers. I still long to hold him. None of that has changed. But the hurt has...with time the hurt has lessened and a healing has taken place that I never thought possible 3 years ago. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to endure in life. The pain is so real...but God has never left my side. He has given me the strength I've needed for each moment. I give Him all of the glory.
Kim Goss
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